The Meadow
by ever4
Summary: One-shot. A month after Edward returns, he takes Bella to their meadow, only to discover another part of how she coped in those dark months during his absence. Warnings: mentioning of cutting/self harm & language.


**This one-shot didn't turn out nearly as good as I hoped it to be, but I hope you still like it. **

**It was inspired by the song "Cut" by Plumb, but it's not a song-fic. **

**R&R please, and tell me what you think :)**

We were lying in the meadow on our backs, his breathing surprisingly steady for having just ran with me all the way here. I had a feeling there was something I was forgetting, I hadn't been here in so long…but hadn't I? Something was tugging at the back of my mind, but all I could focus on currently was the feel of his cool marble hand in mine, the shape of the clouds...and the warmth that was slowly descending upon us; the sun would be out today, Alice had warned us. It felt like an anniversary, of course, for us to come here now. So much had changed in that short time, but I loved each and every second of us being here now. I had changed…

I was distantly aware of Edward tracing patterns into my arm, I wondered what he was doing. Patterns…patterns…_oh!_ With a gasp realization flooded into me and I covered my mouth, afraid of speaking my thoughts out loud. My arms, this meadow…_Edward_. Crap.

That had been a bad week, a really bad week. Surely there was no way he would… I mean, wherever I left it the flowers had to have grown over it or something, right? It'd been months..._It's just a knife, Bella; _I tried to calm myself- to no avail, really. Edward, having sensed my growing unease, turned on his side to face me.

"What is it?" he asked, but I just shook my head at him. The meadow now seemed a really stupid place to be today. With a shaky breath I lowered myself back down, not even having realized I'd sat up. I ran a hand through my hair, not quite sure what to say to him. Something like, _'Well, Edward, you see… I used to cut myself here after you left, but I pretty much forgot about all that when you came back last month… I just remembered though, and need to find the knife I left here before you do and freak out. So can you just turn around for a minute? Thanks'. _Nope, definitely didn't seem like such a good idea.

I took another deep breath, steeling myself for what I would have to do. Slowly, I rolled around till I was facing him, and carefully began tracing my way up his face with my pointer finger. I paused when I got to his lips, which opened slightly in response, and leaned in to meet them with my own.

The kiss quickly picked up, till soon he was holding my face in his hands, one of my hands running up his back feverishly. The other…was running around the ground below me, feeling for the object I so desperately needed to hide. I was looking… I was looking, and then…

"Bella," he murmured against my skin, a low moan escaping his throat. I knew he was about to stop us, saying something about how he wasn't going to put me in life-threatening danger twice in the same month, but…he didn't. And I lost it. I mean, really, who was I to complain about us not stopping? Hah.

I leaned into him again, and we fell back onto the ground with me hanging over him, but not for long. He twisted so he was back over me, his lips crashing on my own as he did so. His hands formed a cage on either side of my face while his tongue hesitantly ran across my bottom lip, making me gasp...and it seemed that we were both getting lost in the kiss.

Until we weren't.

A peculiar expression crossed his face as he moved to the side to let me breathe, and my body froze in response. "Bella, what…" He got up off of me then, and I sat up slowly, scared of what he'd found.

He walked forward just a few steps, and I watched him knelt down to pick up something with a silver glint…_damn it_. He lifted the knife to his nose cautiously, a surprised look appearing in his eyes.

"Why the hell is there a knife here with your blood on it?" He demanded; his voice wasn't mad, just confused…and worried. Dang it, I was so afraid of that worry. I mumbled something I hoped was acceptable, though I wasn't really sure what I said. "Bella?" He questioned again, as I was avoiding his eyes. My long sleeves seemed to blaze under his inquisitive gaze, and I fidgeted with my jeans, not wanting to draw attention to my arms. But deep down, I knew there was no way I would get away with this one. I'd been lucky enough to avoid him finding out for a month, there was no way…

"Um," I began, but didn't finish. Edward waited patiently, but still I didn't continue. I stood up then, as did Edward. I was biting my lip nervously, and the sudden warmth of the sun cutting through the clouds seemed to burn the little exposed skin I had- pale, as always. Always. Silence stretched, neither of us knowing what to say…well, at least I didn't; he was probably just confused that I wouldn't answer his question. This was going to be a long day, I knew instantly.

"YOU DIDN'T!" Someone suddenly screamed. We both shot our heads up to where a furious looking Alice had appeared, clutching my supposedly hidden razors in two sparkling hands. My jaw dropped at her image, at what she surely must have meant…shit!

I turned away from her, not wanting to talk about it right this second.

"What…" Edward started, then, "WHAT THE HELL, BELLA?" I winced as he read into Alice's thoughts, moving on to biting my nails instead of my lips. However, I didn't get very far since my arm was suddenly thrust down by one very angry looking vampire, sleeves rolled up, and an anguished look crossing his face as he observed my dirty work. _No._

"Edward, I…" he backed away from me, shaking his head slightly as he did so, eyes never leaving my damaged skin. "Edward," I tried again, "Listen to me, please. It was just a bad week, okay? Nothing more. No big deal,"

"No big deal, Bella? You…Oh God, the _meadow? Our meadow? _You cut your skin open in…" Realization dawned over him, though I had been praying to the Heavens that it wouldn't. "It's because we left, isn't it? You, I…" He paused and was in front of me in a second, hand moving up to my other arm to pull that sleeve up too, though I roughly pulled away from him, securing it to my side with my other hand. He couldn't see that one. It would kill him. It would _kill _him...

"Let him see it, Bella," Alice spat from a few feet away, arms crossed firmly over her chest. "You know he will anyway," she amended, but still I didn't budge from my protective stance.

Edward moved to try again, but I locked eyes with him finally, giving him a firm warning. "Don't," I ordered.

"I have to," was his simple response, and before I could move, he had my sleeve shoved up well above the elbow. My scars were in plain view, the sun only adding to their visibility. _No no no no no..._

I didn't want to see his expression, so I looked down towards the beautiful earth. Flowers littered the ground, sprouting up in patches throughout the grass. Without my realization, tears gathered in my eyes. I blinked heavily to encourage them to leave, though this really did nothing, since more moisture was quick to rise. No...

E-D-W-A-R-D.

I knew what the slashes on my left forearm spelled, I would know it in my sleep. And now, the beautiful being they referred to was standing next to me, frozen as he took in their meaning.

There had been so much blood, that day. I was so thankful he couldn't smell it, for the meadow seemed to take on that rusty metallic scent as I stood there, remembering…I'd cried my eyes out, and then, there had been nothing. I felt like I was about to throw up, yet I didn't. I couldn't even remember bringing the knife, though I know I'd had a purpose when I put it in my bag. A purpose that was about to be fulfilled. With long slices, I carved them perfectly into my skin, forever marking me as his. _Edward's._ I'd chocked back a sob as his name finally reached my lips, knife biting into my thin skin even harder. It _hurt_. But it _helped. _And just like that, I'd found my vice. _My own personal brand of heroine._

I was jolted back to the present by a small, cold hand lightly pushing my sleeve back up. Even Alice hadn't been expecting this. I felt sick all over again, and I barely heard Edward mumble, "Should have let the Volturi kill me when," because then he was gone, flying through the trees to somewhere I didn't want to imagine.

I jerked away from Alice's grip as if she'd burned me, and then she was gone too, chasing after Edward no doubt. And I was alone.

With fumbling fingers, I reached down for the knife that had started it all. I held it reflecting off the sunlight, my whole frame trembling in the circle of the meadow.

I dropped to my knees, not quite aware I'd even done so, and slowly pressed the sharp metallic object to my wrist. I had to cut. It was the only way, the only help I would get now. And I was about to, then...

"No, my Bella. Not this time. Please, for…_me_," He chocked, my perfect angel in all of his pain. His hand was on mine, restraining the knife from piercing my skin. I felt my head spinning; I could barely keep up with all that was going on around me. Even then, somehow, somehow we managed to drop the knife together. It clattered around noisily, but I hardly noticed the sound. Everything felt silent to me, and as Edward hugged me to his chest, I realized this was it. All or nothing. Edward or Mike Newton... Forever or never.

"I cut my legs too!" I let slip awkwardly, stumbling as I tried to stand. Edward looked at me like he had no idea what he should be doing with the peace offering, but I simply held on to him like a little girl, holding him for dear life. Because when it came down to it, he was my life…and I wanted to live.

He continued to hold me, and I cried. We sat in the meadow for longer than I can remember, the scenery changing around us as the day passed. Rain fell in steady drips across the forest floor, my breathing the only sound to accompany it. I hated doing this to him, being so dependent when surely he must be in pain from my recent revelation. I hated myself for doing this to him. I hated myself for this... I hated myself.

Sometimes I wished it would just stop. Sometimes I wished I could just be like him already, fast-forward through all of this pain and the goodbyes that were yet to come, really just everything that was to come...I only wanted to be with him. Nothing more. Just be with him, together. Him, me, us. Forever.

And so I held on to him as he held me, the two of us in our meadow...

And so I never let go.

**-Anna**


End file.
